It's Gravy, Not Sauce

There has been for as long as I can remember an ongoing debate amongst people of italian heritage and even non-italians about whether the pot of red molten tomoatoes we prepare on most Sundays is called gravy or sauce.

Please, let me put an end to this argument once and for all. It's freakin' gravy!

Yes, it's gravy. I'm basing this determination on what my grandparents who came to this country over 100 years ago called it and the Urban Dictionary definition of the word Gravy which is as follows;

• the fat and juices exuding from meat during cooking.
  
• a sauce made from cooked meat juices together with stock and other ingredients.

Now for those of you who will continue to be non-believers and continue to call it sauce I offer you the following instructions on how to make “the gravy.”

1. Firsta you gotta maka the meataballa. Ifa you usa the breadacrumb in your meataballa stopa right here and madonna mia, go buy the jar of the Ragu because you noa real italian.
   
2. After you maka the meataballa you fry them in the olive oil. You don't usa the canola oil, you wanna be healthy you go eata the fish.
   
3. Takea the oil from the fried meetaballa and put it in a pot. Now you takea the sauseeege and put it in the pot. You cooka the sauseege and poka the hole in them so the fat shootsa out. Ayy, this is an italian recipe, you gotta shoota something right?
   
4. Remova the sauseege froma the pot and taka you bacciole (pronounce bra-joel) and maka the meat brown on alla the sides. Now you gotta watcha the braciole because you burna, you gotta starta over.
   
5. Puta the meataballas, sauseege and braciole ona the plate and let them sita. You gotta maka coupla extra meataballas and puta on the side for Antnee otherwise you gonna have no meataballas left for the gravy.
   
6. Now you taka the onion and choppa nice. Nota too much. Puta the onion in the pot with the oil that hada the meataballas, sauseege and baciole and you mixa up. Choppa the garlic nicea nice and do the sama thing. Santa Maria, you can never have too mucha the garlic. Enougha so you go to work ona Monaday they know you had the gravy on Sunday.
   
7. Next isa the tomato paste and mixa up, reda wine and mixa up, tomato sauce and mixa up, you puree the whole tomatoes ina the blender and then mixa up. Mama mia you gonna do soma mixa upa. Usa the wooden spoon to do the mixa and smaka Antnee's hands ifa he puts them in the meatablallas again.
   
8. Taka the basil, oregano, salt, pepper, cheese and soma sugar and mixa up again ina the pot with the tomatoes. NO CARROTS, who the hella putsa carrot in the gravy. We're a cooka for the people not a bugsa bunny.
   
9. Eh, and now you wait and watcha the gravy. You don't watcha the gravy you gonna enda up with the soup. Now you gotta soma time so you can call your mother and tell her you maka the gravy. You can call you sister too, but you know you gravy isa better than hers so you don't wanta to maka her jealous. Why she puts the veal and pork ina the meataballas I don't know. Wherea she get that from? Who isa this a woman? I'ma thinka maybe she's the milkaman baby.
   
10. After a while, donta ask how long, itsa while you gonna be patient now, you taka the meataballas, sauseege and baciole and puta them ina the pot. Eh, again now you gotta wait and mixa up. Uffa, Wait and mixa up.
    
11. Ay, you know the gravy isa done when the neighbor knocks on the door and asks “My word, my dear neighbor, what is that glorious smell coming from your kitchen?”
    
12. “I'ma maka the gravy, here taka the bread and dip. You tell me whata you think.”
    

Itsa gooda thing you made the extra meataballas.